Love Struck.

 I guess I was totally wrong about Sam. I misunderstood him. We DTR'd this morning, and he and I are dating. We're officially a thing. I'm so happy. I've always wanted him and only him along the way. I want him forever.

Yes, I'm a little surprised that he apologized because no guy does that nowadays, but I'm glad he did. It showed that he truly cares about me. All I really wanted in my life was to find a sincere man who would apologize when he's wrong, and I guess I found the one. I'm not letting him go. He's everything I've ever wished for. I don't ever want to lose him. 

I have to let my doubts chill from now on. I love my man, and he loves me. This is the real definition of happiness, and I truly pray that it lasts forever.

08/21/21.

True Love Thirst.

 I know I always talk about how careless I am, and it's true, I am careless, but every strong careless person gets thirsty for true love sometimes. I want that sincere fairytale type of love with someone that I truly love everything about.
Attention always comes from the wrong people. I always attract toxic men. I'm not even sure about Sam's feelings. He's always so fucking angry. I totally get that he has a tough job and life, and I shouldn't be complaining, but still. It's breaking my heart that when I finally think I found the perfect guy for me, something always has to come up and ruin it. I loved everything about Sam. I loved the fact that he's kinky. I loved the fact that he had a rough life. I loved the fact that he isn't a mama's boy. I loved the fact that he's a hardworking man. I fell in love with his tattoos and how careless he is. WHY DID EVERYTHING CHANGE AND HE BECAME HORRIBLE SUDDENLY?. Sam and I truly need to shake things up very soon.

I really don't even know where to stand in anyone's life anymore. Am I in a relationship? Am I single? I'm just lost. I need a savior.

Realizing My Worth.

 So I decided that I'm going to let what's meant to be, be. I'm done stressing over men. If Sam wants me, then alright, and if he doesn't, then okay. Why bother? I'm still young. I'm a fucking goddess, and I'm beautiful as hell. Everyone would want to date me. I know that even if it doesn't work out with Sam or the guy who has a crush on me, I'll still be able to find better options. I know Sam is a very sexual guy, and even if we get together in person, he'd want to have sex with me. I'm honestly not against sex, but I wouldn't want to lose my virginity to someone who isn't going to marry me in the end. I still don't even know everything about Sam, so why rush? I'm a young beautiful woman, and I deserve nothing but endless blessings.

The Real World.

 الدنيا بقت غريبة أوي، مش عارفة أزاي ممكن كل حاجة تتغير بالسرعة دي بين يوم و ليلة. العالم بقى كله نفاق و الواحد معادش عارف يثق في مين ولا يصدق مين. الناس بقت بترمي كلام ملوش معنى هي مش حاسة بيه. كلمة بحبك و وحشتيني و أنتي غالية عندي بقت بتتقال كتير و قليلين جدًا اللي بيعنوها. الموضوع بقى مخيف، و الواحد حرفيًا فقد أمله في أن الناس تتغير للأحسن في يوم من الأيام. الناس بقت بشعة، و معادش فيه حد نقدر نثق فيه الأيام دي، المشكلة أن الناس الكدابة و المنافقة هي اللي عايشة مبسوطة و الناس الطيبة اللي بتعامل الناس بالطريقة اللي بتتمنى تتعامل بيها و بتراعي مشاعرهم هي اللي مجروحة... الدنيا اتغيرت كدة ليه؟ ليه العالم بقى بشع كدة، فين البراءة و الحب الحقيقي بتاع زمان، فين الصدق، فين الفلوب البيضا و النوايا الصافية؟. ليه الدنيا بقت بالبشاعة دي؟.

-𝔇𝔦𝔬𝔰𝔞🌻.

Fear of Change.

 With everything happening right now in my life, I can honestly say that I have no clue how my future is going to be like. Everything is changing so fast. I'm not even entirely sure about Sam's feelings towards me. We have not DTR'd, and it almost feels like he doesn't give a damn fuck about me. It fucking hurts. I'm not even going to lie. It's like I'm a magnet to heartbreak.

On the other side, though, the guy from my class called me for an hour today. He admitted his love for me. Why does the attention we truly need always comes from the wrong people? I wish Sam was like that, but nope, he has to be a dick 24/7.

I'm just so confused. Should I just give up trying with Sam and give the other guy a shot? The problem is that he's younger than me. I'm just lost right now. I need God's help right now. I'm literally terrified. What if Sam isn't the one? What if that guy isn't serious? A million what if's are going through my head.

Dear Lord,

I know I've given You so many reasons to give up on me, but please, help me. I can't do this on my own.

18:29.

 Well, the guy who told me that he likes me the other day turned out to be younger than me. I'm not into that, and I honestly don't even know how to put it out there and tell him that I'm older. I think I'm going to give Sam another shot. He's probably stressing over his work problems. I do not blame him.

Changes.

 It's funny how things can change overnight. One of my classmates admitted that he likes me today. It's funny because I've never thought of it before. He's one of those shy guys who literally doesn't talk to any girl. I kind of figured it out because he's been talking to me nonstop for the past couple of days. I'm just overwhelmed. Is this another sign from God? It probably is.

Reality Check.

 Well, ouch. Sam just called me, and I don't even know where the fuck to stand with him anymore. He said that he's just letting his anger out on me because he has no one else to do that to, but I honestly am just lost right now. What the fuck is going on? I fucking hate this. Ugh, Egyptian men, fucking ugh.

Not Letting My Doubts Win.

Sam is a great guy. I shouldn't doubt him. He's just a fucking busy guy. I don't know when the fuck my mind is going to get it, but I seriously need to stop being an insecure bitch. He isn't going to cheat on me. He is busy. He has a career. He has a fucking life. I don't want to push him away. I'll just shut up and wait for him to be available and text me. I seriously don't want to lose this guy. Ever.

Misunderstandings are a Bitch.

 So, I guess Sam and I are okay. I just got to get used to him being busy. I love that he didn't let me go to sleep upset and made it up to me right away. He's such an amazing guy, but I just wish I wasn't so fucking insecure. I need to try and control my doubts. They need to stop ruining my happiness for me. Overthinking is a total bitch, and I fucking hate it.

00:01.

So, apparently, Sam and I got to the boredom stage in our relationship way too quickly. It fucking sucks, and I lowkey wish I wasn't a fucking hopeless romantic who gets attached quickly. I hate this so much. I wish I didn't care way too much because apparently, people don't like getting taken care of way too much nowadays, or maybe I'm the problem. I care way too much, and it fucking needs to stop. It's really starting to feel like I hurt myself on purpose. God, I need your help. Please, lead me to the right path. I know I ask for way too much, but please.

Found my soulmate.

 Last night was literally the best happiest night of my life. I love Sam so much, and I love how although he's always busy, he still makes time just for me. Everything has changed so much in the past couple of days, but I'd be lying if I say that I'm not happy about it. He's just perfection in a human form. I know nobody's perfect, and I know he has flaws, but honestly, his flaws and imperfections only make him even better in my eyes. I'm glad he was honest about it from the start. I'm glad he isn't a cocky piece of shit. He loves me for everything I am, and I'll forever want him to be mine. I thank God every single night that He blessed me with such an angel. Thank God forever and always.

Blooming.

 I can truly feel myself healing. I love the person I'm becoming. I love myself. I'm worthy of everything good. I deserve nothing but endless happiness. I'm so thankful for Sam. He truly changed a lot of things about me. I love him. I've never felt the way I'm feeling right now before. I'm a lot more confident right now and much happier. I love God. I pray that this happiness lasts forever.

18:36.

I'm curious is it bad to hate 90% of the human world, I can't stand humans half the time and I hate society. Sometimes I wish I could just press a restart button for the whole of humanity, the world is disgusting. I just want to erase it and start over. So many people get beat to death, murdered, raped, and harassed. Human rights are breached all the time. Humans are horrid I hate being a part of such a disgusting species but on the other hand, humans have created so much out of the resources from the planet using sand we made glass, using trees we made paper. Humans can be amazing but so horrid and disgusting, we're such a talented and advanced race why do we feel the need to act the way we do we create wars all the time. We bully others to the point they take their own life, life is precious you're given one life and everyone is gonna make some mistakes but why do some feel the need to ruin other people's lives? I see children walking through Oxford that looks about 10 and they're on their own. They should be able to do that but in the world, we live in it's not really safe for them to do it. Humanity is so messed up and wrong. Everyone judges, it's human nature to judge, judging is just having your opinion. And yes you have a voice and your opinion should be heard but if your opinion of something will upset people and hurry then don't you think that opinion would be better kept to yourself instead of causing yet more conflict. There is so much of the human race I just can't stand, the way difference is hated, the way disfiguration is so highly negatively judged, the way words are said before being thought about. It all may seek minor but it all adds up murderers are judged before we've taken the time to see or ask why they did what they did. I can't stand the easy the world works. I'm sorry this is probably gonna be ignored but it's just my opinion and honestly, I don't think I have said anything that should offend anyone, but if you find something in my statement offensive then I am sorry.

Living My Best Life.

 Well, these past few days have been literally crazy. I'm in love. I never thought I'd be head-over-heels in love with an Egyptian guy before, but I guess I was wrong. It's happening. I know I might've gotten out of my comfort zone just for him, maybe a little too much, but it boosts my confidence. Sam is just precious. I know it hasn't been long since I first talked to him, but I guess miracles happen. He makes me the happiest girl on Earth. I love how understanding he is. He's mature, and I'm happy that we live in the same country. I'm done with long-distance relationships. I never thought I'd say this, but I don't even think I want to travel abroad anymore. I'm happy with my man. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me in a really long time. I love how caring and loving he is to me. I want him forever.

New Beginning.

So, as I mentioned in my last post, I was so upset and feeling guilty about literally everything. I was seriously feeling so down about so many things. I was feeling like a fuck up, but yet again, God decided to bless me with another miracle. God answered my prayers. I'm fucking blessed. I truly am, and I'm so happy to know that God has forgiven me for all the mistakes I've made throughout my life. I'm no longer questioning my faith. Now I know for sure that God exists and listens to all my prayers. I truly feel bad for atheists. I mean, yeah, who am I to judge? But like, I truly feel bad for them for being blinded for this long. I just want everyone to be happy and be blessed like I am right now.

On the other hand, though, I am starting to cut people who cause me useless headaches. Basically, the ones who aren't good for my mental health. I started doing so this morning, and I feel amazing. Honestly, I've always known that Arabs were nothing but a pain in the butt. I only got heartache out of them. So, they need to go. I'm going to go back to being my old self, the one who never used to talk to Arabs, the one who used to stay away from drama, the careless one who was just enjoying life.

Also, Sam and I are officially together. He gives me butterflies. I can't believe I finally found a good Egyptian guy who's not a piece of shit, and I'm also glad that he lives in Egypt. I'm not going to lie. I'm fed up with long-distance relationships. I'm in love with everything about him. He's such a good guy. I mean, yeah, he might seem very aggressive and angry the whole time, but I don't blame him. He owns two restaurants. Also, I don't know. I feel like he's like me. I know he probably has lots of traumas that he doesn't talk about. I'm just happy that I finally found a guy who's like me. He's had a rough life, that's for sure, but I'm willing to stand by his side and try my best to make him happy. He deserves it.

Aside from all of this, I got a new charger for my laptop, and my happiness is officially complete. God is on my side, and that's more than enough. Thank God.

Mistakes.

Today has been the most fucked up day ever. I hate it so much. I know it's probably a test from God. I just wish I could wake up and find everything that got ruined today fixed. I need a new phone. But of course, if I tell my dad, he's going to raise hell on me. Just why?.

8:27.

So, I guess I truly am blessed. Another vision that I had literally two days ago happened today. I'm not surprised. I was expressionless when it happened. I kept making fun of the whole situation, but my sister's tears truly broke my heart. She even admitted that it was the first time for her to truly believe in my gift. I love her, and I really don't want to see her cry ever again. She means the world to me. 

I guess I got to blame my dad for all of this. He doesn't get the fact that he's truly mentally ill and needs treatment. I'm seriously sick of his existence. I know I said that I wouldn't want him to get hurt before, but this is just too much to handle. I can not take it anymore. I want him to die. I am done.

17:44.

I've been getting nightmares whenever I try to sleep for two days now. I don't know what's going on exactly. Is this a sign from God? I truly hate this, and I don't know what to do.

13:02.

 I don't think this world will ever be without drama. It's just frustrating. Opening Twitter and seeing all this hatred spreading is just so depressing. I lowkey remembered why I've always hated having conversations with Arabs. Arabs are the most close-minded creatures on Earth, and I'm not saying this to be racist. It's just the fucking truth. Apparently, nobody likes blaming themselves or getting proven wrong. I hate this world with every bit of my heart, but I know God has a plan. I trust Him.

Sleeping Schedule: Fixed.

 So, I woke up early today, which means my sleeping schedule is officially fixed! I\"m so happy about that. I\"ll guess I\"ll spend the day working and planning for my future articles. I love journalism so much. It\"s the only way I can express how I truly feel about things. I try my hardest not to get way too controversial, though, because I know that it might get me into trouble, especially here in this country, and the most important rule for me is not to talk about politics. I hate political conversations so much. Politics are way too complicated, and I don’t ever want to get into them. Anyway, בוקר טוב!

12:55.

I really started to feel like everything is falling into its place. Everything's going well, and I'm happy. Converting to Islam truly made me a better person. I'm not saying that Judaism is bad, but I've never felt the way I am right now. I don't feel like a failure or a fuck up anymore. Nurit is happy.

Honestly, all I really need right now is my sister to get married. That'll make me the happiest person on Earth. I truly wish her the best. She put up with so many things just for me. She's the true meaning of a fighter. I love her to death.

Waking Up Early.

I woke up at 10 AM today. I'm happy. I guess it's true that waking up early affects mental health. I'm smiling, and well, I guess I remember now why it never worked out with Jared when we dated back in 2014. He's not the one for me. Just another guy. I'm happy either. I know I'll find someone better in the future.

Hello, New Hard Drive!.

My laptop is finally working properly after days of suffering and crying my eyes out over it not working. I'm relieved. I guess my dad truly fucked it up back when he used to use it. Oh well, what matters now is that I'll finally have my own space again. I'm so happy!. 

Fear.

 The past few days have been nothing but weird. I can't even put it into words. It's just weird. Everything's complicated, and I'm really starting to fear commitment. Guys nowadays are just horrible, and I fucking hate it. Guys nowadays are nothing but toxic sexual pieces of shit. I don't even think that I want to get married anymore. Ugh. I don't wanna relive the same shitty experience mom had with marriage. I'm terrified. I really started to think about dedicating my entire life to my career. At least then, I'll be able to do whatever the hell I want, and go wherever, and just be me. I'm really tired of overthinking. I'll leave to God again. I'm sure He'll guide me to the right path.

Mini Heart Attack And A Beautiful Success.

 So, my laptop gave me a mini heart attack a few ago. I was nervous, and of course, I didn't tell my dad because I didn't want him to call me a wrecker. Oh well, but the good news is I fixed it on my own without the help of anyone, and I'm so proud of myself for it. I then texted my chief editor and told her to publish my other article about children's sponsorship, and as I expected, she totally forgot to publish it. I'm glad I reminded her, She ended up publishing it right away, and my article is finally up on the website! I'm literally so fucking happy right now. God's proving that he loves me every single day, and it just makes me so happy to know that God is not angry at me. I know it sounds stupid, but it truly means the world to me. I know I've been a bad person at some point in my life, and I am not proud of it, but I'm glad God is forgiven, and that He gave me another shot to prove that I can be a good person.

Sign After Sign.

 So, after what happened in the past few days, and all the stupid shit I said while I was furious, I asked God for a sign that He didn't hate me and that he forgives me for everything that happened that day, and I guess I got my sign yesterday. My gift is still there, and I am just so happy that it didn't go away.  God knows how much that gift has helped me survive. I'll try my best from now on to not make God upset ever again. I regret every word I said that day. I truly do.

17:07.

It's crazy thinking about how much I've changed in the past few years. I never thought I'd get to where I am right now. I'm grateful for everything that shaped me into the person I am today.

A Very Forgetful Chief Editor.

 So, I sent my articles for this week to my chief editor yesterday, and she posted one of them, and although I tried to remind her to post the other one too by asking her if it'll get uploaded yesterday too, she apparently forgot. I mean, I love her to death, but WHY? I was waiting for that specific article to go on the website impatiently, and now, I'll seem impatient and stupid if I ask her about it again. Ugh.

20:36.

 No matter how much I whine about my dad being so fucking stubborn and annoying as hell sometimes, I love him to death. I don't think I'll be able to live without him or my mom. Their hell is better than the heaven of their absence.