The End of November.

 I can't believe November is finally coming to an end. This month has been nothing but an emotional mess, and I'm honestly glad I didn't give up on Judah. I'm happy with him, and I love him. I'm sure he's the one for me.

 

Nurit Hamilton.

 I hate how confused I've gotten in the past few days. I can slowly feel myself turning into Jenna Hamilton from the MTV TV show "Awkward, and I fucking hate it. I've always made fun of her for being confused about her attraction to other men.

However, I decided to try and control my feelings towards Hafs. Maybe he's just treating me like a sister. Maybe I'm nothing more than that. I'll also try to fix my relationship with Judah. I've been very cruel to him in the past few days. I owe him an apology. 

Judah's jealousy might be crazy, but it's way better than getting with a guy who doesn't give a damn fuck about my feelings. Yeah, it's better off that way. I'm staying with Judah, and that's final.

 Hafs, my favorite person🖤.

Torn Between Two.

 Life has been playing tricks on me lately. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just lost, confused, and don't know what to do. I started catching feelings for one of my classmates, and it's just fucking weird, but I just can't help it. He's fucking amazing. He's hot, he's honest, and he's mature. I don't think I've ever come across someone like him in my whole entire life. It just blows my mind.

On the other side, Judah has been very protective, and it's getting very annoying. It's not cute, and I don't like it. I'm already stressing enough over college, and I don't want any more pressure. This guy is too fucking much to handle.

Dear Elohim,

Please, help me.

 

Catastrophic Jealousy.

 Judah is very protective of me, and I don't know how to feel about it. I mean, I should be happy, but his jealousy isn't reasonable at all. He wouldn't even let me talk to my classmates outside of the school topics or even go out with them for fun, and that's a bit too much. Ugh. At the same time, I wouldn't want to be with a careless piece of shit. I've already had enough of that back when I was with Sam. It was tragic. I need to calm down, and I know that, but this is just too much, like what the hell. Can I breathe?.

Dear Elohim,

Please, help me with this.

 

 I'm honestly fed up with dad's bullshit. I'm done with him being a cunt all time. I want him to go back to the UAE. I'm sick of his existence here. I'm done dealing with him for good.

 

A Desperate Need For Change.

  I need to stop being sexual with Judah. He's not that type of guy. He's pure, he's innocent, and most importantly, he is Jewish. It's different with him. I don't just want sexual talks. I've already had enough of that when I was with Sam till it got very toxic. Judah is different, and I need to treat him well, the way he deserves to be treated. He's not just another fuckboy. He's a keeper.

Dear Elohim,

I don't want to ruin this. Please, help me, help me change.

 

Euphoric Nurit.

 Judah and I have been together for thirteen days today, and I can't even put my happiness into words. This guy is truly a blessing. He understands me, and he treats me so well. I love how religious he is. All I can say is that I love him very much. He never fails to make me smile every single day, and I want to keep him forever. Baruch HaShem forever and always.

Dear Elohim,

Thank You so much for everything. Thank You for blessing me with Judah's existence. Thank You for being the reason behind this happiness. Please, let me keep this angel of a man forever.

Meant To Be.

 Mine and Judah's relationship is getting stronger every day, and I can't even describe how happy and grateful I am to get to call him mine. He's just so different. He treats me exactly how I've always wanted to be treated, and most importantly, he's head-over-heels in love with me and puts up with me. I think I finally found the guy I've been waiting for my whole life. The search is over, Nurit. Time to finally be happy.

Dear Elohim,

Thank you🖤.

 

Jewish Love.

  Judah and I are getting very close. I'm really starting to fall for him. I never thought I would, but I guess it's what HaShem wants. Every time I think of all the qualities he has, I get speechless. He matches everything that I saw in my visions about the guy I'm meant to be with. It's crazy how fast we fell in love. I never thought I'd say this, but I really want to get married to him. I know it's too early, and I know it's only been nine days, but I can't help it. Everything is perfect with him. He understands me. I'm just so glad I found him.

Dear Elohim,

Thank you. Please, let me keep this guy forever🖤🥺.

 

From Friends To Lovers.

 I cannot believe what's been happening lately. The Egyptian convert I recently met and I got together, and we're in love? I don't know what's going on exactly, but I'm happy as hell. The real question here is - is he the one for me?.

 So far, everything I've seen in my visions about the Jewish guy I'm meant to be with matches this guy. I just don't wanna be hurt anymore. I hope he's the one for me. He's so innocent, and I love it. He's protective, caring, loving, very adorable, and most importantly, he's JEWISH. I can't even put my happiness into words. I can feel myself blooming.

10:56.

‏أعتقد أن مأساة كل ما هو متناغم وفي انسجام في هذه الحياة أن المرء يدرك أن لهذه الأشياء نهاية، ليست بالضرورة نهاية سيئة إنما يحن عليها وقت لا تعود كما كانت، حتى أن هنري ميللر كتب ذات مرة يقول: "كانَ الوضع أَروع بِكثير مِن أنّ يدوم." وهذا الأمر جمعنا ندركه ونخافه بذات الوقت.

 

 ‏للخوف أيضًا نهاية.. ليس النهاية السعيدة بل نهاية القدرة على الخوف، يصل الخائف إلى أخر الخوف وبجموح هادئ يخرج من الإختباء كاشفاً صدره وظّهره، ليس هو استسلام وليس هو شجاعة أيضًا بل بطولة التّعّب، بطولة من استنفدَ طاقته على الرعب.

.انسي الحاج-

 

 

ידיד יהודי חדש.

 I still cannot believe what happened yesterday. I met a new friend, a fucking Egyptian convert. I mean, yeah, it was over Facebook, but I never thought there were people like me in here. I'm shocked. I'm happy, and I just can't stop smiling. Maybe HaShem is trying to send me another sign that I'm on the right path. Who knows, but either way, I'm not complaining. I'm happy as hell. 

 Also, I forgot to mention that he and I planned on celebrating Hanukkah together this year. It's gonna be a great experience.

،אלוקים יקר

.🖤אני מודה לך

10:34.

أنا بقول بحبك لأي حد بيبسطني، مش قصدي الحب بتاع الكبار ده يا جماعة، الحب بتاع الكبار ده محتاج فترة طويلة، محتاج مواقف، محتاج ان احنا نتشارك كل حاجة، محتاج أن احنا يكون بيننا حاجات مشتركة كتير، معتقدات، افكار، نظرتنا للحياة، محتاج ان انا افهم الشخص، و هو يفهمني، أن الشخص يحب الوحش اللي فيا قبل الحلو، محتاج أن الشخص يتقبلني بعيوبي؛ مش يقول عليا "مزعجة" عشان بتكلم كتير أو عشان بتحمس لما أكلمه، أنا مش مستعدة اني اكذب ع حد و أقول اني بحبه لمجرد اني مش عايزة اكسر بخاطره، كدة هبقى عملت جريمة اكبر، و هي الكدب... فياريت محدش يفرض عليا اني احبه، محدش يحسسني بالذنب اني مش بشعر تجاهه بنفس المشاعر اللي هو بيكنها ليا. انا بجد مش عايزة اجرح حد.

 

 

Adulthood.

 Life in the past few days has been nothing but crazy. I created my first CV ever, one of my friends applied for a job for me, I started working on my graduation project, and I fucking feel like an adult. Honestly, adulthood is very stressful and tiring, but I'm glad I'm growing up. I'm blooming.

Dear Elohim,

Thank you for everything. I love you.

Letting Go.

 I decided to move on, and that was the beginning of a whole new chapter in my life. I learned to let life give me lessons and learn from my mistakes. I regret nothing in my life. Everything that I've gone through so far is the reason why I am who I am today. I'll forever be grateful for everything that shaped me into the person I am today. I'll forever be thankful for all the lessons I've learned through the years.

Dear Elohim,

Thank You for all the lessons that shaped me into who I am today. Thank You for blessing me. Thank You for giving me everything that I have. Thank You for always forgiving me whenever I sin. Thank You🖤.

Hello, November. Please, Be Good.

 Woke up today to the first day of November. I can't believe October is finally over. It wasn't a good month at all, at least to me. All I can hope for now is that November heals my broken heart because October was full of disasters, hurt, and heartache. 

Dear Elohim,

Please fix me.