Finals.

My finals start tomorrow, and I'm terrified. I just need to chill. Stressing over the finals won't change what's meant to me. I just hope that I do well. I want to make myself proud. I want to live the life I've always wanted. I want to be truly happy.

Dear Elohim,

You know what I want. Please, make it come true. I believe in You.

18:58.

 It's funny how one phone call can turn everything upside down. Yesterday, I was lost and didn't know what to do about my and Jared's relationship, and then I got my answer when he and I called last night. I love him so much. He's very caring, and the fact that he talks about our future together and wants a life with me on its own is a blessing.

Dear Elohim,

Please, let me keep Jared forever, and help me with my exams. I love You and thank you for everything you've blessed me with.

21:28.

 I'm lonely. I guess that's what's been making me depressed in the past couple of days. Jared and I barely talk, and it just hurts. I have no idea what to do. Should I just break up with him or give him a reason to break up with me? I'm fucking torn.

Dear Elohim,

Please, help me.

14:35.

 I feel trapped. I feel like I'm drowning while everyone is watching me. It's the first time for me to feel that way. I can't stop crying. I can't breathe properly. I'm terrified. 

Whoever said that depression is a very dark unexplainable place didn't lie. I guess it's depression, and I hate it. I feel like the world is crashing down on me.

Dear Elohim,

Please, help me.

 

20:24.

 I don't even know what's going on anymore. I'm in a very bad mood. I want to cry. I'm not happy.

13:37.

​Although Jared and I never fight, I'm terrified. There's this heavy feeling that I have in my chest. I'm scared. I'm scared the past is going to repeat itself. I keep thinking about what might happen if he gets sick of the distance and leaves me again as he did in the past. I need to stop overthinking, but I can't help it. I'm sick of feeling like I'm obsessing over him. I'm sick of being insecure about him leaving. 

אלוקים יקר, 

אני לא יודעת מה קורה בחיי עכשיו, אבל אני רק רוצה שתשמור עליי ותציל אותי שוב כמו תמיד.

 

3:21.

 משונה שכל כך הרבה אנשים מחפשים את עצמם. לא תמיד זה נעים במיוחד, לדעת מי אתה/את.

Such a Downgrade

HaShem is amazing. Indeed. I can't believe what happened. I was so mad Sam started going out with someone new, and then I saw him on his live stream and just got turned off. That girl is fucking childish. I don't know what the hell I ever saw in him, but I'm just glad it's over between us, and that I won't have to cross paths with him anymore. He's trash, and he found his soulmate. I'm happy.

Dear Elohim,

Thank you for healing me🖤.

11:23.

 So many thoughts are going through my head right now. I just don't know how to feel anymore, and it's not me being dramatic. I'm feeling terrible about myself. I don't feel as pretty. In fact, I don't feel pretty at all. I'm becoming insecure as hell all over again. My mental health has been draining over this for the past couple of days. I'm sick to my stomach. I'm lost, and I have no idea what to do anymore.

Dear Elohim,

Please help me. Help your weak servant.

Nurit.

 

20:32.

I don't know what the hell is going on. Freddy started talking to me yesterday, and he was a little flirty, but what the fuck else was I expecting. People like him never change. Jared makes me the happiest, and I don't ever want to lose him. I'll never let anyone ruin this.

Dear Elohim,

Please, let me keep Jared forever.

00:13.

“החיים לא נגמרים כשהחיים נגמרים. לא כשמישהו חושף סוד נורא, לא כשהלב נשבר, אפילו לא כשאדם אהוב מת. החיים ממשיכים, לטוב ולרע, מביאים עמם עוד סודות, אהבות ומיתות. רק סיום אחד הוא סופי באמת, ואף זאת, אם לא אגלה שגם אחריו ממשיכים."

00:05.

 I'm feeling better, I guess. I realized that Jared is the most caring, and loving boyfriend I've ever had, and that's more than enough for me. I love him.

♥.

 

10:46.

 أنا معدتش عارفة مالي ولا أنا عايزة ايه أصلاً؛ مش عارفة موضوع أنه سامح ارتبط بواحدة مضايقني ليه، أنا المفروض معدتش بحبه خلاص، يبقى ليه الموضوع مضايقني أوي؟ يمكن عشان اتخيلت مستقبلي معاه، يمكن عشان كنت متعلقة بيه أوي لدرجة أني كسرت مبادئي عشانه؛ أنا اكتشفت أني كنت مخلص للناس الغلط ودي حاجة بجد كاسراني أوي، يا ريت كل ده محصلش أصلاً..  اتعلمت من اللي حصل ده أني مكنش بخيلة، كنت بس عارفة أن الناس وحشة، كنت عارفة أن الناس استغلالية بشكل ابن كلب بس الحب عماني تاني.. يا رب أقدر انسى اللي حصل، أنا متأكدة أن الموضوع ده هييجي وقت عليا ومش هفتكره خالص، بس هياخد وقته، زي بلال، مين كان يفكر أني كان ممكن أقدر أني أنسى بلال، بس نسيته في النهاية.. يا رب نسيني اللي حصل وخليني اشفى من الموضوع ده لأن بجد أعصابي متدمرة.

9:39.

Adulthood is so freaking complicated, bro. There are so many people whom I wish I had never met. Sam, Hossam, Bilal, and most importantly, Chris and Freddy. All of these people had used me in many different ways. It's like I had always been a heartbreak magnet. I'm a lot happier now, but these flashbacks I keep getting are terrible. I wish I could just start my life over. I never deserved to go through any of what I had been through, but I suppose I had to go through it all to learn how to live and how horrible life and people can be. I just hope I heal from all of this. I want to live without any stupid flashbacks. I'm just sick of being traumatized by my past.

Dear Elohim,

Please, heal me.

05.13.22 - 00:00.

 All I want for my birthday is to never lose the person that I have become through all of these years.

23🖤.